SW is: yay! today is my half birthday.

This status comes from a very good source who insists it is real, and not a few melodramatic haikus smashed together for effect. Here it is in full:

yay!
today is my half birthday
i cried most of today
morning was good!
then ate a slice of cookie cake from the mall
more like stuffed my face with a slice of cookie cake from the mall
and now im alone
in my apartment
with my cats.

It affected me so much. I decided to write a status message from the perspective of a eunuch.

Yay!
Today is its birthday
I cried most of the day
Evening was good!
Then ate a hard boiled egg
More like stuffed my face with many hardboiled eggs
And now I’m alone
In my chamber.
With my unneutered pitbulls.

Narcissism Rating: 6 (the original, not the eunuch's)

JF: Würde es jemanden schockieren wenn ich jetzt schriebe, dass Michael Jackson tot ist?

Forgive the mundane spirit of this status message, I mean, it’s no kelliyogimudra, but it does teach us something. Let’s dissect it. First, why are Reverend(s) Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson always popping up when things like this transpire in the black community? It’s like the way the palmetto bugs appear at every summer barbecue, vying for their piece of apple fritter. You have people like this in your own family. Grandma dies, and there’s Uncle Al and Uncle Jesse making it all about them. I mean, you haven’t seen these two since the big family reunion six years ago, and there they are usurping the spotlight, talking about all they did for granny. Did? They didn’t do shit. While you were changing her catheter, they were traveling the U.S., stirring up water to find more…water. But for some reason, all the family members gather around to hear what they have to say. Wisdom of the Elders, who, like a Pinto, were elderly the minute they got off the production line. I mean, even though one uncle has the same name, it doesn’t give him the right to go running around telling others not to commit suicide because of granny’s death. And the other uncle…the one who’s, like, barely even related, is making statements about how you’re making plans to plan the funeral that may just be a public viewing in granny’s home featuring, oh a million of her closest friends. But do you think those two will be out directing traffic, which is what’s gonna really be needed that day? Don’t bet on it.
Narcissistic Rating for all meddling people whose last names start with S and J: 10!

Special prize for anyone who can tell Hedonism Chronicles how many times the refrain, ‘we are the world,’ is made in that dumb song. Seriously. Give me your address and I’ll send you something, but no guessing.

A.B. just took a roundtrip tour compliments of the Disney bus system...we better not miss our dinner reservations tonight or I promise you

we WILL be dining at the sold-out rest. I've been trying to get into to tomorrow night!

Thanks to KC for a status message from the Wonderful World of Cultmice. I should’ve thought of doing a search for this sooner. Let me make something abundantly clear, Hedonism has nothing against Disney World, Disneyland, Mickey Mouse, or any of its affiliates. In fact, I’ve been to D.W. a few times in my life and found it most enjoyable. Of course, I was ten, fifteen and nineteen during those times. I was not on a honeymoon. I was not part of a childless couple, nor was I on a Christian Singles Adventure. I was a kid. Kids belong at Disney World. Overweight women with locks dyed to match Cinderella who are trying to rescue their inner child from rape – they do not belong at Disney World. I feel sorry for these girl-women. They follow Paula Deen and savor the simplicity of making Tollhouse chocolate chip cookies. They titter at The Cable Guy, and clandestinely have The Lion King loaded on their iPods. They use strawberry body wash with matching shampoo, and wear period panties all year ‘round. They work the front desk in dental offices and threaten reservation agents when they’re on vacation. You know the type.
Narcissistic Rating: 4

Drea is in a freaking PISSY mood. Please no phone calls unless it is an emergency.

You’ll be happy to know that I have quite a few status messages from Drea here, all of them this delightful. Drea seems to believe she is Joan Crawford. I mean, what are you imagining? I see this chick in a lawn chair with scarf around her head and huge red sunglasses. “Hold all my calls,” she says to one of her fifteen servants, “Mommy isn’t feeling well.” Yes, she refers to herself as Mommy even though she has no children.

Car should be back in my hands by 5:00 - thank god - it's only been 6 F******** weeks since I've had it!
Well, that’s good to know.

Drea is still missing my Daddy.
Daddy? Do you mean, actual Daddy or Old Man-Daddy? Do women your age still call their fathers Daddy outside of the bedroom?

I HATE NC and want to get away from here.
Well, apparently you now have a car. How hard is it to just leave? Besides, I’m sure Daddy will bankroll your departure.

Drea is cleaning my apartment.... Still NOT happy.
Drea, take a page from Kelliyogimudra’s Bible (which she herself wrote). Relax….tea (strychnine). Neck-massage (noose). Aromatherapy (gas + match).

Drea is about to flip out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drea, you are obviously in no condition to be Tweeting.

I have found my happy place and life is great! I couldn't ask for anything more ;)!
Drea? Drea? Lithium is not just something you store in your pineapple-shaped limoges pill box for a rainy day. The highs are high, but the lows, oh Drea, the lows. You’re affecting everyone around you. Think of us, the members of the www community who must helplessly watch you suffer. Someone put Drea out of her misery. Anyone?

Jason Reed rarely gets upset anymore except when the Ritz Carlton jacks up your Porsche then denies it ever happened. We never landed on the moon eith

Jason, friend, buddy, pal, Hedonism is going to have to have some sympathy here. Not for the Porsche, those things can be fixed. But Jason, your ego, your fragile, delicate self-concept. It’s in the dumps, isn’t it? You’re feeling…inadequate? It’s okay, Jason. Many men have been in your position. It’s not a big deal. Besides, I’m sure when it’s erect it’s normal size. Oh, you’re having trouble with that too? Then it seems that the whole Porsche thing is a metaphor for something much bigger, or should I say, smaller in your life. Was it a girl who jacked you up in this manner? It’s always the bitches, isn’t it, Jason. Not that you were upset by her performance. You rarely get upset anymore. Of course, she could’ve tried for a little longer. Thirty minutes isn’t nearly enough. If I may, offer a Dr. Hedonism diagnosis, your “Porsche” may be in need of some professional tinkering. Ever since we landed on the moon, there have been great advancements in such mechanical remedies. Bit of lube, some flushing of the fluids, and a little Viagra should do the trick.

Don’t be embarrassed, Jason. It happens to everyone.
Narcissism Rating (what do you think?): 10

RDW is thinkin about chicken salad and pre marrital sex. please dont kill me jason!

Hmmmm. I wonder how that conversation went down in this guy’s head.

“Gotta do the dishes before Amy comes over. Should read some scripture. I wonder if we have any Ziplocs in the house. Jason needs to do the frickin’ dishes. Why did Judas do that? I hate it when they show sex on Animal Planet. Who cares about chickens doing it. I could sure use some chicken salad right now. T-Mobile sucks, but Catherine Zeta Jones is so hot. I could ram her from behind, my cock slamming her wet, dripping pussy. God will send me to hell if I touch myself, but oh, that Catherine Zeta Jones. Chicken. Chicken. Jason. Chicken. Oh Catherine touch me there, there THERE!”

Yeah, kid. Go bang your wife-to-be. You deserve it.

Narcissistic Rating: 0
Making Hedonism Feel Sorry For You Rating: 8

Ommmm Baby Ommmm - A Look Into The Mind of A Yogi

I just want to take a moment to thank all of you who send me status messages. This blog is best when the material comes from you. For example, the string of lunacy below that was sent to us by TAS. Let’s get to know Kelliyogimudra through her overly revealing status messages, shall we?

Kelliyogimudra......wants someone to make her tea and find the perfect music to go along with this super-fun morning.
That’s nice, Kelli. Although, I think one of the tenants of being a ‘yogi’ is to be able to wait on yourself. Go to the CD player, pick out some Shanti/Ashtangi (For you, I recommend track number eight on Madonna’s Ray of Light Album) then hop into the kitchen and boil up some water. You can do this, Kelliyogimudra. I believe in you.

Kelliyogimudra thought it was kinda cute how crestfallen the payroll specialist looked when she mentioned her fiancee. Tee hee.
I was enlightened to the fact that Kelli is speaking in the third person here. This point-of-view change, well, it changes everything. See, we’re led to believe that the payroll specialist is a woman speaking of her fiancée. But alas, our little yogi is speaking about herself. And the payroll specialist is male. The complexity of sentence structure is inadvertently Faulkneresque. And definitely narcissistic.

Kelliyogimudra is entirely amused by this whole "drop dead diva" shoot tomorrow. Casting guy's instructions? "Bring a few changes of yoga wear and look beautiful." Bwahaha.
Bwahaha? Better check those chakras, Kelli, I think you just turned into an evil world ruler with a pot-belly and a cat. Or is it that you’re saying that a few changes of yoga wear and looking-beautiful are de rigueur for you and not something you have to overthink? Either way, thanks for using the status message to insinuate that you’re a drop dead diva. As if we didn’t already know.

Kelliyogimudra: being accused of not working hard enough because my 'bonus' (which I do not get) is not tied to productivity of the studio is RIDICULOUS. If I were in this for the money, I'd be long friggin' gone by now.
Oh boy. Something just went rather Al Qaedea in Kelli’s brain.

You’re walking on dangerous water here, Kelli. Allow me to be your Status Message Guru, and explain. You’ve used the status message to tell us you wanted someone to wait on you, to insinuate that you’re desirable to the payroll specialist, and to flaunt your role in a divaesque photoshoot. But now you’re telling us – and more importantly, your boss – that you’re unhappy with your job. Dear, the world wide web is world wide; its tentacles can reach places you may not desire.

Breathe, KelliYogi. You're sitting in a field of daisies, there's a light breeze...and your ass is in the unemployment line with the rest of America.
Narcissism Rating:10, Faux Yogi Rating: 10

DB: Had to watch the first episode of the Hills on the net cos she was out bbq-ing it up with the gang :] Shopping today! Woooooooo

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cyclinggal: after a relaxing weekend of gluten-free baking, I'm now feeling better and cycling again!

Do you see a trend here? Cyclists love to eat. And they love to Twitter about what they’ve eaten, then the fact that they’ve cycled it all off. I think it’s time we call Dr. Hedonism in for a medical opinion.

Dr. Hedonism says, “cyclists tend to have deep-seeded feelings of guilt. Nine out of ten were abusive as children and engaged in the behaviors of tearing wings off lighting bugs and plucking whiskers out of catfish. Most were also coached by their mothers to view food as sinful. Therefore, they will be unable to separate exercise from the act of eating, and will find it impossible to do one without the other.”


CycleFreak Cycling to work ... it's the only way to travel - 61°F at 7am! Hitting 80 later on - Love it, lu-uh-uh-uv IT!
Many cyclists also suffer from a mild form of stutter.

Ceri is looking for a Wacom fitness tablet with built in cycling feature which also incorporates a PS , illustrator, 3d hybrid type software
Wrong type of cyclist. But Hedonism also wants one of those Wacoms and someone to teach her how to use it.

Y2Love: Mary Kate Olsen Cycling around East Village, New York.
Mary Kate Olsen is hot.

NJ: Good work with the cycling! A little over 20kph is a respectable steady pace. How's the, em, ... 'undercarriage'? Tender?
Who the fuck are you talking to? You’re Twittering, not on the telephone. Know the difference.


Yoadriene: I can't believe u saw Lance Armstrong! I'm so jealous! I'm a cyclist & would love to meet him! I sat near Lohan's X @ lunch…
Oh god. Can you imagine how many people talk to Lance Armstrong about cycling? It would be like stalking Dr. Hedonism in a bar and wanting to talk about armchair psychology. And I can’t let the Lohan ex name-drop go without mention. It’s like saying, “I saw Jane Fonda’s grandchild yesterday.” Who gives a rat’s ass?

Narcissism Rating for all cyclists: 10

Pj just rode 29 miles on his road bike! I killed the climb, rode Mulholland west to Sepulveda, down to Santa Monica, and back to

..Hollywood in less than 2 hours.......I need food!

Why do cyclists feel the need to FB about every locale where they've ridden? And what's with the little costume? I get that the clothes need to be sleek. And if one is a pro, there’s a uniform. But the idiots who ride around my neighborhood dress like this. And what I really love are the people who wear cycling shoes to spinning class. There is no need for efficiency of movement BECAUSE IT’S A STATIONARY BIKE. This is narcissism at its finest.

Oh, and I have a serving suggestion for PJ. What about putting a little fresh carved smoked turkey, madrigal Swiss cheese and sliced vine ripened tomatoes into that package of yours and after that 30 miles, you’ll have a nice, heated, healthy snack!
Narcissism Rating for all bicyclists: 10

DW wore cycling spandex for far too many hours today.......it's nice to be back in loose fitting cotton.....

Which brings us to the topic of today. Is there such a thing as a FUPA for men? What do you say you inundate me with comments and let me know.

PJ is eating fresh carved smoked turkey & madrigal swiss cheese with dijon mustard, sliced vine ripened tomatoes, with a little fresh serrano chile

(cont)....all toasted on Ezekial sesame bread. With an organic fuji apple on the side. Delightful healthy lunch.

LG has pointed out this alarming trend of people who have to catalog every. Single. Thing. They eat. You’re right, LG, this is annoying. It’s another way for people to show just how much better they are than you and me. If Hedonism were to status about food it would be:
Just ate an intriguing blend of variety of meat, breaded in a corn dough, delicately tempuraed, then cleverly shish-kabobed, followed by pastry fried to perfection and topped with a snowy mist of powdered sugar.
You got it. Inman Park corndog and funnel cake.
PJ Narcisstic Rating: 9
Hedonismchronicles Fat Rating: 144

These three must be read together (on Hedonismchronicles.com)

J.L. is so excited! Size 4 in abercrombie and I had a certain someone tell me how good it
looked! Mission almost accomplished! :) 4:40pm ·
J.L. fuck you and fuck this 1:52am
J.L. is upset stomach! :( 12:49pm

Thanks to N.R. for this donation with all-important time signatures. Okay, let’s have some fun.

Dr. Hedonism believes J.L. is suffering from an acute case of manic depression :) :(, has anger management issues (see 1:52 a.m), and may be a closet bulimic. Dr. Hedonism also sees delusions of grandeur, quite common in patients of the hedonismchronicles. The ‘certain someone’ is most undoubtedly the Abercrombie store clerk who is paid to tell you your fat ass looks absolutely nifty in skinny jeans.

Narcissism Rating: 10, Psychiatric Hospital address: 856 Briarcliff Road, Atlanta, Ga. 30306

R.C. is happy cause I think I got a job, but my cousin's wife died today...

Do you remember R.C., the chap below who was having a bad day because his aunt was diagnosed with terminal cancer? Well, Hedonism is delighted to tell you that the above post comes from the very same R.C.!

Do you know anyone like this? Someone who constantly has despair surrounding them like a Syliva Plath novel? “Theresa has a tumor on the bottom of her foot.” “Bethany went and committed suicide last week.” “Krista’s husband’s best friend’s uncle’s housekeeper was held up at gunpoint last night.” (WTF, can my day get any worse?) And there’s the rub. This is always happening to these people. Or, maybe, it’s happening to all of us, but we don’t use these times as opportunities for remedying our attention-starved childhoods. I’ll offer sympathy for one crisis a year (barring terrorist attacks, freak bowie knife accidents, Oceanic-815 crashes, etc.) But that’s it. After that, you’re on your own.

A.B. Is thinking Six Flags is in here near future. Roller coasters!!YAY! :-)

My friend, Andy Pearson, star of what is easily the most narcissistic show on computer, ANDYVISION, was complaining about all the people who use ‘Yay!’ in their status messages. Now, I have to admit, this is bugging Andy a bit more than me, but in the spirit of democracy, I’ll discuss it. Andy says he feels women use Yay! more than men, so to find out, I did a quick analysis of Twitter. Out of twenty Yay! statii, fourteen were from women (one of whom was middle-aged) four from men (one in sarcasm) one was from a gender-neutral name, and one from a dog (gender unspecified). So, Andy may have a point there. But in defense of Yay!ing women all over, are we not raised to think that the cheerleader is sexually superior to the soccer player? And what is the cheerleader’s mantra? Yep, Yay! Furthermore, are women not brought up to be cute? Cute pink rooms, cute dresses, cute lambs and duckies and dollies (wearing cute pink dresses with lambs and duckies). All of this leads to a cute Yay! encouraged by Mommy and Daddy alike.

Now, I’m all for a change. In many areas. Let’s start with something that’s been bugging me even more than Andy is bothered by Yay!. How come I see so many more men get ahead in advertising over their equally-talented female counterparts? I know what you’re thinking, I’m hopping on some feminist bandwagon here. But, okay, let me hop for a second. I know four fucking unbelievable female copywriters who are out of work right now. Their equally or lesser talented male counterparts are all working. Why is this? Because it’s socially more acceptable for men to be funny, and advertising is a funny business. Most women do not have a Don Draper advocate on their side to advance their careers. In fact, I bet if we looked at Andy’s company, we’d find that the majority of the creatives are male. Men like the company of men for tossing around jokes about pussy and scrotum. However, the women I know are equally raunchy. But, there’s something a little jarring about a woman who says things like, “was your momma hot when your head was popping out of her vag?“ Yet, perfectly understandable for a man to push the envelope in this way. Of course, the two years both sexes spend in ad school tends to level the playing field. Women get verbally dirtier, men get more accustomed to it. But I think there’s still a barrier to entry out there in the creative field for women. Something that whispers that a woman is good, but not quite as good as a man.

Then, there’s the whole way women get confused about using their sexuality instead of their talent. I hate to see a really good female creative sleep with someone because she thinks that’s getting her ahead in the game. It doesn’t. It creates a bad reputation no matter how many people are not talking. Sleep with someone because you mean it and want it. Not because you think that person is going to help you get a job.

Hedonism is tired now. Yay.

MM is Enjoying a dinner of rich steel cut oats with mango, strawberry, banana, acai and kombucha smoothie. Much deserved after tough yoga class.

This goes on:
Best bowl of cereal ever - organic pomegranate and whole grain grapenuts with fresh strawberries, blueberries and bananas. Yummy!
Enjoying an afternoon cup of Mandarin Orange Spice Herbal Tea
Had zaru soba and mirugai sushi for lunch
Having a mango, raspberry, blackberry, strawberry, banana and blood orange smoothie...sooo goood!

Now you guys know Hedonism is loosely connected to advertising, right? While I’m fascinated by the power marketing has over people, I can be very disturbed by people who seem to be living their lives like it’s one giant television spot, then Twittering about it. Can’t you just see her, leaning back in a chair, drinking down that smoothie, then wiping her mouth with the back of her hand exhaling an exuberant ‘ahhhh!’. And why must we learn of everything she eats throughout the day? Classic narcissism. She’s saying, ‘look at me!’ I’m healthy! I’m like the Special K babe only I’m the Grape Nuts babe eating shit no one else wanted in the health food store. Yes! I’m the one person they have to keep acai in stock for (besides, possibly, Andy Pearson)' And what’s up with these near orgasmic exclamations? Yesssss, put your kombucha there. Right there. Mmmmm. Sooo goood!

As an aside, Wikipedia defines kombucha as: A culture containing a symbiosis of Acetobacter (acetic acid bacteria) and yeast. The culture itself looks somewhat like a large pancake, and though often called a mushroom, a Mother of vinegar or by the acronym SCOBY (for "Symbiotic Colony of Bacteria and Yeast"), it is clinically known as a zoogleal mat.

Don’t let anyone tell you HedonismChronicles isn’t educational.

Author's Note:

Fuck you, Facebook for changing the status criteria to, ‘what’s on your mind?’ Gone are the days of “Hedonism is hamster died today and now I can’t find my keys.” Luckily, we still have assholes using ‘u’ for ‘you’ so all is not grammatically lost.

Speaking of bad days….and cancer for that matter…take a look at this one:

R.C. REALLY"??!! Now my aunt has terminal cancer. I mean, come the fuck on! Can my day get worse?!!

R.C., you are obviously not a fan of Hedonism Chronicles. If you were, you would realize your aunt’s cancer is not about you. Let me put on my Dr. Phil fat suit for a moment and explain. Your aunt’s cancer will affect you, no doubt, but perhaps we should use these two lines to think about her. Cancer, as we’ll see in the posts below, is no joke. Chemo, radiation, it makes one very sick. If I were to put on my Dr. Laura wig, I’d say this is a good time to send out a global prayer.

So, R.C., what are you trying to accomplish with this overly-punctuated post? Let me put on my Dr. Freud beard for a second and say this, I think we experience a constant paradox of wanting to keep our lives private until something painful is happening. In real life, people will balk when you answer the question’ how are you,’ with, ‘not too great, my aunt was diagnosed with cancer today.” Shitty, I know. So perhaps, the problem isn’t R.C.’s post, but American society in general. I challenge you all to say something honest today, live and in person, and watch the fun. For example, ‘how are you, Hedonsim?’ can be answered with, ‘I’m bleeding so much between my legs that I fear I’m going to need a transfusion.’

This is going to be interesting.
Narcissistic Rating: 10! 10! 10!

David is praying for a friends boobies. Not what u think. She has a biopsy tomorrow.

Actually, David, it is exactly what I think, that you’re taking a woman’s biopsy as a moment to be clever. You, my dear, are about as funny as a man playing with his scrotum who notices a difference in the size and shape. Here’s a good one you might like, David – a man walks into the doctor’s and the doctor says, “I’m going to have to remove your entire affected testicle through the groin.” Oh my god, that’s funny! And this one always gets them howling down at Rotary – man walks into a bar, and says, “I’ve got carcinogens that’ve spread beyond the lymph nodes to remote sites in my body” and the bartender says, “that’s otherwise known as Stage III cancer, and you’re going to die!”

So I end by saying:
Hedonism is praying for a friends nutsack. Not what u think. He’s having it surgically excised tomorrow.
Narcissistic Rating: 10 Insensitivity Rating: 10

I do have a rule of thumb - if I give it is from my heart, not from my conscious, I give because I need to give...

Oh boy. Hedonism Chronicles just took a turn for the weird. So, none of you cats have sent me any statii. What am I to do, but mine Twitter (thanks, Hunterino). So, I find the above status, and I’m thinking this will be some nice Care Bear junkie and we can all have a few laughs. But of course that’s not how it goes. She’s pimped out her Twitter page (why do people do this?) with a tiled picture of her in some sort of lingerie. The scan looks like it’s been through the washing machine while she clearly does not. But it gets even weirder:
• I make my own compost already, and I live in an apartment...yay me, I make compost! LOL...I have the recipe too if anyone wants it.

You wear cheap lingerie and cook up compost? But when you’re not worrying about Mother Earth, you’re….

• Ya'll, the one thing I thought I would never have to do is call Arnold Schwarzenegger regarding my unemployment benefits.

Believe me, he’s got bigger fish to fry, and apparently you do, too…

• For me, I will do my best to donate money to all the Food banks that have helped me until now. And programs that have helped me pay bills.

And apparently bought you a computer which you are abusing as much as your John’s dicks…

• By the way...I guess if twitters click on my twit page, they see a very provocative image of myself, for the record I am very intelligent.

Sure you are! And I’m paying for medical school with my adult dance career. Let’s end with this endearing little jewel…

• My followers - while chatting with an obssessed fan, I like it, it is cute, now I know its tweet not twit, but hope no one minds I use twit!

And…scene.