SW is: yay! today is my half birthday.

This status comes from a very good source who insists it is real, and not a few melodramatic haikus smashed together for effect. Here it is in full:

yay!
today is my half birthday
i cried most of today
morning was good!
then ate a slice of cookie cake from the mall
more like stuffed my face with a slice of cookie cake from the mall
and now im alone
in my apartment
with my cats.

It affected me so much. I decided to write a status message from the perspective of a eunuch.

Yay!
Today is its birthday
I cried most of the day
Evening was good!
Then ate a hard boiled egg
More like stuffed my face with many hardboiled eggs
And now I’m alone
In my chamber.
With my unneutered pitbulls.

Narcissism Rating: 6 (the original, not the eunuch's)

JF: Würde es jemanden schockieren wenn ich jetzt schriebe, dass Michael Jackson tot ist?

Forgive the mundane spirit of this status message, I mean, it’s no kelliyogimudra, but it does teach us something. Let’s dissect it. First, why are Reverend(s) Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson always popping up when things like this transpire in the black community? It’s like the way the palmetto bugs appear at every summer barbecue, vying for their piece of apple fritter. You have people like this in your own family. Grandma dies, and there’s Uncle Al and Uncle Jesse making it all about them. I mean, you haven’t seen these two since the big family reunion six years ago, and there they are usurping the spotlight, talking about all they did for granny. Did? They didn’t do shit. While you were changing her catheter, they were traveling the U.S., stirring up water to find more…water. But for some reason, all the family members gather around to hear what they have to say. Wisdom of the Elders, who, like a Pinto, were elderly the minute they got off the production line. I mean, even though one uncle has the same name, it doesn’t give him the right to go running around telling others not to commit suicide because of granny’s death. And the other uncle…the one who’s, like, barely even related, is making statements about how you’re making plans to plan the funeral that may just be a public viewing in granny’s home featuring, oh a million of her closest friends. But do you think those two will be out directing traffic, which is what’s gonna really be needed that day? Don’t bet on it.
Narcissistic Rating for all meddling people whose last names start with S and J: 10!

Special prize for anyone who can tell Hedonism Chronicles how many times the refrain, ‘we are the world,’ is made in that dumb song. Seriously. Give me your address and I’ll send you something, but no guessing.

A.B. just took a roundtrip tour compliments of the Disney bus system...we better not miss our dinner reservations tonight or I promise you

we WILL be dining at the sold-out rest. I've been trying to get into to tomorrow night!

Thanks to KC for a status message from the Wonderful World of Cultmice. I should’ve thought of doing a search for this sooner. Let me make something abundantly clear, Hedonism has nothing against Disney World, Disneyland, Mickey Mouse, or any of its affiliates. In fact, I’ve been to D.W. a few times in my life and found it most enjoyable. Of course, I was ten, fifteen and nineteen during those times. I was not on a honeymoon. I was not part of a childless couple, nor was I on a Christian Singles Adventure. I was a kid. Kids belong at Disney World. Overweight women with locks dyed to match Cinderella who are trying to rescue their inner child from rape – they do not belong at Disney World. I feel sorry for these girl-women. They follow Paula Deen and savor the simplicity of making Tollhouse chocolate chip cookies. They titter at The Cable Guy, and clandestinely have The Lion King loaded on their iPods. They use strawberry body wash with matching shampoo, and wear period panties all year ‘round. They work the front desk in dental offices and threaten reservation agents when they’re on vacation. You know the type.
Narcissistic Rating: 4

Drea is in a freaking PISSY mood. Please no phone calls unless it is an emergency.

You’ll be happy to know that I have quite a few status messages from Drea here, all of them this delightful. Drea seems to believe she is Joan Crawford. I mean, what are you imagining? I see this chick in a lawn chair with scarf around her head and huge red sunglasses. “Hold all my calls,” she says to one of her fifteen servants, “Mommy isn’t feeling well.” Yes, she refers to herself as Mommy even though she has no children.

Car should be back in my hands by 5:00 - thank god - it's only been 6 F******** weeks since I've had it!
Well, that’s good to know.

Drea is still missing my Daddy.
Daddy? Do you mean, actual Daddy or Old Man-Daddy? Do women your age still call their fathers Daddy outside of the bedroom?

I HATE NC and want to get away from here.
Well, apparently you now have a car. How hard is it to just leave? Besides, I’m sure Daddy will bankroll your departure.

Drea is cleaning my apartment.... Still NOT happy.
Drea, take a page from Kelliyogimudra’s Bible (which she herself wrote). Relax….tea (strychnine). Neck-massage (noose). Aromatherapy (gas + match).

Drea is about to flip out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drea, you are obviously in no condition to be Tweeting.

I have found my happy place and life is great! I couldn't ask for anything more ;)!
Drea? Drea? Lithium is not just something you store in your pineapple-shaped limoges pill box for a rainy day. The highs are high, but the lows, oh Drea, the lows. You’re affecting everyone around you. Think of us, the members of the www community who must helplessly watch you suffer. Someone put Drea out of her misery. Anyone?

Jason Reed rarely gets upset anymore except when the Ritz Carlton jacks up your Porsche then denies it ever happened. We never landed on the moon eith

Jason, friend, buddy, pal, Hedonism is going to have to have some sympathy here. Not for the Porsche, those things can be fixed. But Jason, your ego, your fragile, delicate self-concept. It’s in the dumps, isn’t it? You’re feeling…inadequate? It’s okay, Jason. Many men have been in your position. It’s not a big deal. Besides, I’m sure when it’s erect it’s normal size. Oh, you’re having trouble with that too? Then it seems that the whole Porsche thing is a metaphor for something much bigger, or should I say, smaller in your life. Was it a girl who jacked you up in this manner? It’s always the bitches, isn’t it, Jason. Not that you were upset by her performance. You rarely get upset anymore. Of course, she could’ve tried for a little longer. Thirty minutes isn’t nearly enough. If I may, offer a Dr. Hedonism diagnosis, your “Porsche” may be in need of some professional tinkering. Ever since we landed on the moon, there have been great advancements in such mechanical remedies. Bit of lube, some flushing of the fluids, and a little Viagra should do the trick.

Don’t be embarrassed, Jason. It happens to everyone.
Narcissism Rating (what do you think?): 10

RDW is thinkin about chicken salad and pre marrital sex. please dont kill me jason!

Hmmmm. I wonder how that conversation went down in this guy’s head.

“Gotta do the dishes before Amy comes over. Should read some scripture. I wonder if we have any Ziplocs in the house. Jason needs to do the frickin’ dishes. Why did Judas do that? I hate it when they show sex on Animal Planet. Who cares about chickens doing it. I could sure use some chicken salad right now. T-Mobile sucks, but Catherine Zeta Jones is so hot. I could ram her from behind, my cock slamming her wet, dripping pussy. God will send me to hell if I touch myself, but oh, that Catherine Zeta Jones. Chicken. Chicken. Jason. Chicken. Oh Catherine touch me there, there THERE!”

Yeah, kid. Go bang your wife-to-be. You deserve it.

Narcissistic Rating: 0
Making Hedonism Feel Sorry For You Rating: 8

Ommmm Baby Ommmm - A Look Into The Mind of A Yogi

I just want to take a moment to thank all of you who send me status messages. This blog is best when the material comes from you. For example, the string of lunacy below that was sent to us by TAS. Let’s get to know Kelliyogimudra through her overly revealing status messages, shall we?

Kelliyogimudra......wants someone to make her tea and find the perfect music to go along with this super-fun morning.
That’s nice, Kelli. Although, I think one of the tenants of being a ‘yogi’ is to be able to wait on yourself. Go to the CD player, pick out some Shanti/Ashtangi (For you, I recommend track number eight on Madonna’s Ray of Light Album) then hop into the kitchen and boil up some water. You can do this, Kelliyogimudra. I believe in you.

Kelliyogimudra thought it was kinda cute how crestfallen the payroll specialist looked when she mentioned her fiancee. Tee hee.
I was enlightened to the fact that Kelli is speaking in the third person here. This point-of-view change, well, it changes everything. See, we’re led to believe that the payroll specialist is a woman speaking of her fiancée. But alas, our little yogi is speaking about herself. And the payroll specialist is male. The complexity of sentence structure is inadvertently Faulkneresque. And definitely narcissistic.

Kelliyogimudra is entirely amused by this whole "drop dead diva" shoot tomorrow. Casting guy's instructions? "Bring a few changes of yoga wear and look beautiful." Bwahaha.
Bwahaha? Better check those chakras, Kelli, I think you just turned into an evil world ruler with a pot-belly and a cat. Or is it that you’re saying that a few changes of yoga wear and looking-beautiful are de rigueur for you and not something you have to overthink? Either way, thanks for using the status message to insinuate that you’re a drop dead diva. As if we didn’t already know.

Kelliyogimudra: being accused of not working hard enough because my 'bonus' (which I do not get) is not tied to productivity of the studio is RIDICULOUS. If I were in this for the money, I'd be long friggin' gone by now.
Oh boy. Something just went rather Al Qaedea in Kelli’s brain.

You’re walking on dangerous water here, Kelli. Allow me to be your Status Message Guru, and explain. You’ve used the status message to tell us you wanted someone to wait on you, to insinuate that you’re desirable to the payroll specialist, and to flaunt your role in a divaesque photoshoot. But now you’re telling us – and more importantly, your boss – that you’re unhappy with your job. Dear, the world wide web is world wide; its tentacles can reach places you may not desire.

Breathe, KelliYogi. You're sitting in a field of daisies, there's a light breeze...and your ass is in the unemployment line with the rest of America.
Narcissism Rating:10, Faux Yogi Rating: 10

DB: Had to watch the first episode of the Hills on the net cos she was out bbq-ing it up with the gang :] Shopping today! Woooooooo

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

cyclinggal: after a relaxing weekend of gluten-free baking, I'm now feeling better and cycling again!

Do you see a trend here? Cyclists love to eat. And they love to Twitter about what they’ve eaten, then the fact that they’ve cycled it all off. I think it’s time we call Dr. Hedonism in for a medical opinion.

Dr. Hedonism says, “cyclists tend to have deep-seeded feelings of guilt. Nine out of ten were abusive as children and engaged in the behaviors of tearing wings off lighting bugs and plucking whiskers out of catfish. Most were also coached by their mothers to view food as sinful. Therefore, they will be unable to separate exercise from the act of eating, and will find it impossible to do one without the other.”


CycleFreak Cycling to work ... it's the only way to travel - 61°F at 7am! Hitting 80 later on - Love it, lu-uh-uh-uv IT!
Many cyclists also suffer from a mild form of stutter.

Ceri is looking for a Wacom fitness tablet with built in cycling feature which also incorporates a PS , illustrator, 3d hybrid type software
Wrong type of cyclist. But Hedonism also wants one of those Wacoms and someone to teach her how to use it.

Y2Love: Mary Kate Olsen Cycling around East Village, New York.
Mary Kate Olsen is hot.

NJ: Good work with the cycling! A little over 20kph is a respectable steady pace. How's the, em, ... 'undercarriage'? Tender?
Who the fuck are you talking to? You’re Twittering, not on the telephone. Know the difference.


Yoadriene: I can't believe u saw Lance Armstrong! I'm so jealous! I'm a cyclist & would love to meet him! I sat near Lohan's X @ lunch…
Oh god. Can you imagine how many people talk to Lance Armstrong about cycling? It would be like stalking Dr. Hedonism in a bar and wanting to talk about armchair psychology. And I can’t let the Lohan ex name-drop go without mention. It’s like saying, “I saw Jane Fonda’s grandchild yesterday.” Who gives a rat’s ass?

Narcissism Rating for all cyclists: 10

Pj just rode 29 miles on his road bike! I killed the climb, rode Mulholland west to Sepulveda, down to Santa Monica, and back to

..Hollywood in less than 2 hours.......I need food!

Why do cyclists feel the need to FB about every locale where they've ridden? And what's with the little costume? I get that the clothes need to be sleek. And if one is a pro, there’s a uniform. But the idiots who ride around my neighborhood dress like this. And what I really love are the people who wear cycling shoes to spinning class. There is no need for efficiency of movement BECAUSE IT’S A STATIONARY BIKE. This is narcissism at its finest.

Oh, and I have a serving suggestion for PJ. What about putting a little fresh carved smoked turkey, madrigal Swiss cheese and sliced vine ripened tomatoes into that package of yours and after that 30 miles, you’ll have a nice, heated, healthy snack!
Narcissism Rating for all bicyclists: 10

DW wore cycling spandex for far too many hours today.......it's nice to be back in loose fitting cotton.....

Which brings us to the topic of today. Is there such a thing as a FUPA for men? What do you say you inundate me with comments and let me know.

PJ is eating fresh carved smoked turkey & madrigal swiss cheese with dijon mustard, sliced vine ripened tomatoes, with a little fresh serrano chile

(cont)....all toasted on Ezekial sesame bread. With an organic fuji apple on the side. Delightful healthy lunch.

LG has pointed out this alarming trend of people who have to catalog every. Single. Thing. They eat. You’re right, LG, this is annoying. It’s another way for people to show just how much better they are than you and me. If Hedonism were to status about food it would be:
Just ate an intriguing blend of variety of meat, breaded in a corn dough, delicately tempuraed, then cleverly shish-kabobed, followed by pastry fried to perfection and topped with a snowy mist of powdered sugar.
You got it. Inman Park corndog and funnel cake.
PJ Narcisstic Rating: 9
Hedonismchronicles Fat Rating: 144

These three must be read together (on Hedonismchronicles.com)

J.L. is so excited! Size 4 in abercrombie and I had a certain someone tell me how good it
looked! Mission almost accomplished! :) 4:40pm ·
J.L. fuck you and fuck this 1:52am
J.L. is upset stomach! :( 12:49pm

Thanks to N.R. for this donation with all-important time signatures. Okay, let’s have some fun.

Dr. Hedonism believes J.L. is suffering from an acute case of manic depression :) :(, has anger management issues (see 1:52 a.m), and may be a closet bulimic. Dr. Hedonism also sees delusions of grandeur, quite common in patients of the hedonismchronicles. The ‘certain someone’ is most undoubtedly the Abercrombie store clerk who is paid to tell you your fat ass looks absolutely nifty in skinny jeans.

Narcissism Rating: 10, Psychiatric Hospital address: 856 Briarcliff Road, Atlanta, Ga. 30306

R.C. is happy cause I think I got a job, but my cousin's wife died today...

Do you remember R.C., the chap below who was having a bad day because his aunt was diagnosed with terminal cancer? Well, Hedonism is delighted to tell you that the above post comes from the very same R.C.!

Do you know anyone like this? Someone who constantly has despair surrounding them like a Syliva Plath novel? “Theresa has a tumor on the bottom of her foot.” “Bethany went and committed suicide last week.” “Krista’s husband’s best friend’s uncle’s housekeeper was held up at gunpoint last night.” (WTF, can my day get any worse?) And there’s the rub. This is always happening to these people. Or, maybe, it’s happening to all of us, but we don’t use these times as opportunities for remedying our attention-starved childhoods. I’ll offer sympathy for one crisis a year (barring terrorist attacks, freak bowie knife accidents, Oceanic-815 crashes, etc.) But that’s it. After that, you’re on your own.

A.B. Is thinking Six Flags is in here near future. Roller coasters!!YAY! :-)

My friend, Andy Pearson, star of what is easily the most narcissistic show on computer, ANDYVISION, was complaining about all the people who use ‘Yay!’ in their status messages. Now, I have to admit, this is bugging Andy a bit more than me, but in the spirit of democracy, I’ll discuss it. Andy says he feels women use Yay! more than men, so to find out, I did a quick analysis of Twitter. Out of twenty Yay! statii, fourteen were from women (one of whom was middle-aged) four from men (one in sarcasm) one was from a gender-neutral name, and one from a dog (gender unspecified). So, Andy may have a point there. But in defense of Yay!ing women all over, are we not raised to think that the cheerleader is sexually superior to the soccer player? And what is the cheerleader’s mantra? Yep, Yay! Furthermore, are women not brought up to be cute? Cute pink rooms, cute dresses, cute lambs and duckies and dollies (wearing cute pink dresses with lambs and duckies). All of this leads to a cute Yay! encouraged by Mommy and Daddy alike.

Now, I’m all for a change. In many areas. Let’s start with something that’s been bugging me even more than Andy is bothered by Yay!. How come I see so many more men get ahead in advertising over their equally-talented female counterparts? I know what you’re thinking, I’m hopping on some feminist bandwagon here. But, okay, let me hop for a second. I know four fucking unbelievable female copywriters who are out of work right now. Their equally or lesser talented male counterparts are all working. Why is this? Because it’s socially more acceptable for men to be funny, and advertising is a funny business. Most women do not have a Don Draper advocate on their side to advance their careers. In fact, I bet if we looked at Andy’s company, we’d find that the majority of the creatives are male. Men like the company of men for tossing around jokes about pussy and scrotum. However, the women I know are equally raunchy. But, there’s something a little jarring about a woman who says things like, “was your momma hot when your head was popping out of her vag?“ Yet, perfectly understandable for a man to push the envelope in this way. Of course, the two years both sexes spend in ad school tends to level the playing field. Women get verbally dirtier, men get more accustomed to it. But I think there’s still a barrier to entry out there in the creative field for women. Something that whispers that a woman is good, but not quite as good as a man.

Then, there’s the whole way women get confused about using their sexuality instead of their talent. I hate to see a really good female creative sleep with someone because she thinks that’s getting her ahead in the game. It doesn’t. It creates a bad reputation no matter how many people are not talking. Sleep with someone because you mean it and want it. Not because you think that person is going to help you get a job.

Hedonism is tired now. Yay.

MM is Enjoying a dinner of rich steel cut oats with mango, strawberry, banana, acai and kombucha smoothie. Much deserved after tough yoga class.

This goes on:
Best bowl of cereal ever - organic pomegranate and whole grain grapenuts with fresh strawberries, blueberries and bananas. Yummy!
Enjoying an afternoon cup of Mandarin Orange Spice Herbal Tea
Had zaru soba and mirugai sushi for lunch
Having a mango, raspberry, blackberry, strawberry, banana and blood orange smoothie...sooo goood!

Now you guys know Hedonism is loosely connected to advertising, right? While I’m fascinated by the power marketing has over people, I can be very disturbed by people who seem to be living their lives like it’s one giant television spot, then Twittering about it. Can’t you just see her, leaning back in a chair, drinking down that smoothie, then wiping her mouth with the back of her hand exhaling an exuberant ‘ahhhh!’. And why must we learn of everything she eats throughout the day? Classic narcissism. She’s saying, ‘look at me!’ I’m healthy! I’m like the Special K babe only I’m the Grape Nuts babe eating shit no one else wanted in the health food store. Yes! I’m the one person they have to keep acai in stock for (besides, possibly, Andy Pearson)' And what’s up with these near orgasmic exclamations? Yesssss, put your kombucha there. Right there. Mmmmm. Sooo goood!

As an aside, Wikipedia defines kombucha as: A culture containing a symbiosis of Acetobacter (acetic acid bacteria) and yeast. The culture itself looks somewhat like a large pancake, and though often called a mushroom, a Mother of vinegar or by the acronym SCOBY (for "Symbiotic Colony of Bacteria and Yeast"), it is clinically known as a zoogleal mat.

Don’t let anyone tell you HedonismChronicles isn’t educational.

Author's Note:

Fuck you, Facebook for changing the status criteria to, ‘what’s on your mind?’ Gone are the days of “Hedonism is hamster died today and now I can’t find my keys.” Luckily, we still have assholes using ‘u’ for ‘you’ so all is not grammatically lost.

Speaking of bad days….and cancer for that matter…take a look at this one:

R.C. REALLY"??!! Now my aunt has terminal cancer. I mean, come the fuck on! Can my day get worse?!!

R.C., you are obviously not a fan of Hedonism Chronicles. If you were, you would realize your aunt’s cancer is not about you. Let me put on my Dr. Phil fat suit for a moment and explain. Your aunt’s cancer will affect you, no doubt, but perhaps we should use these two lines to think about her. Cancer, as we’ll see in the posts below, is no joke. Chemo, radiation, it makes one very sick. If I were to put on my Dr. Laura wig, I’d say this is a good time to send out a global prayer.

So, R.C., what are you trying to accomplish with this overly-punctuated post? Let me put on my Dr. Freud beard for a second and say this, I think we experience a constant paradox of wanting to keep our lives private until something painful is happening. In real life, people will balk when you answer the question’ how are you,’ with, ‘not too great, my aunt was diagnosed with cancer today.” Shitty, I know. So perhaps, the problem isn’t R.C.’s post, but American society in general. I challenge you all to say something honest today, live and in person, and watch the fun. For example, ‘how are you, Hedonsim?’ can be answered with, ‘I’m bleeding so much between my legs that I fear I’m going to need a transfusion.’

This is going to be interesting.
Narcissistic Rating: 10! 10! 10!

David is praying for a friends boobies. Not what u think. She has a biopsy tomorrow.

Actually, David, it is exactly what I think, that you’re taking a woman’s biopsy as a moment to be clever. You, my dear, are about as funny as a man playing with his scrotum who notices a difference in the size and shape. Here’s a good one you might like, David – a man walks into the doctor’s and the doctor says, “I’m going to have to remove your entire affected testicle through the groin.” Oh my god, that’s funny! And this one always gets them howling down at Rotary – man walks into a bar, and says, “I’ve got carcinogens that’ve spread beyond the lymph nodes to remote sites in my body” and the bartender says, “that’s otherwise known as Stage III cancer, and you’re going to die!”

So I end by saying:
Hedonism is praying for a friends nutsack. Not what u think. He’s having it surgically excised tomorrow.
Narcissistic Rating: 10 Insensitivity Rating: 10

I do have a rule of thumb - if I give it is from my heart, not from my conscious, I give because I need to give...

Oh boy. Hedonism Chronicles just took a turn for the weird. So, none of you cats have sent me any statii. What am I to do, but mine Twitter (thanks, Hunterino). So, I find the above status, and I’m thinking this will be some nice Care Bear junkie and we can all have a few laughs. But of course that’s not how it goes. She’s pimped out her Twitter page (why do people do this?) with a tiled picture of her in some sort of lingerie. The scan looks like it’s been through the washing machine while she clearly does not. But it gets even weirder:
• I make my own compost already, and I live in an apartment...yay me, I make compost! LOL...I have the recipe too if anyone wants it.

You wear cheap lingerie and cook up compost? But when you’re not worrying about Mother Earth, you’re….

• Ya'll, the one thing I thought I would never have to do is call Arnold Schwarzenegger regarding my unemployment benefits.

Believe me, he’s got bigger fish to fry, and apparently you do, too…

• For me, I will do my best to donate money to all the Food banks that have helped me until now. And programs that have helped me pay bills.

And apparently bought you a computer which you are abusing as much as your John’s dicks…

• By the way...I guess if twitters click on my twit page, they see a very provocative image of myself, for the record I am very intelligent.

Sure you are! And I’m paying for medical school with my adult dance career. Let’s end with this endearing little jewel…

• My followers - while chatting with an obssessed fan, I like it, it is cute, now I know its tweet not twit, but hope no one minds I use twit!

And…scene.

TM: EVERY path may lead you to God, even the weird ones. Most of us are on a journey. We’re looking for something, though we’re not always sure what

that is. The way is foggy much of the time. I suggest you slow down and follow some of the side roads that appear suddenly in the mist.

Thank you for that, T.M. Very encouraging. So much so, it’s encouraged me to dedicate this whole week to poetry. Because, poetry is encouraging. Here, I’ll show you:

Color Pink,
How you guide me,
When I worry about breast cancer,
In myself and others,
But mostly in myself.
Color Pink,
How you remind me,
Of the generosity of UPS, Wilson, New Balance, Avon, Caribou Coffee and Ford Motor Company.
And that the soft petal of nipple is important too.
Color Pink,
How you inspire me,
To buy pins, scarves, bookmarks, bears, suncatchers, blenders, cell phones, golf clubs, pillow cases, Rollerblades, wallets and a pink ribbon sink strainer™.
Because “Survivor” is not only something you carry in your heart, but also on your bathmat.
Color Pink,
How you encourage me,
To unite with other women, to laugh, sing and cry.
Not because I feel that way,
But because you told me to.

D. B. is just tried eating a mango, but it was too sweet and brought back too many painful memories. Happy memories, but painful all the same.

What have I told you people about using status to air out your sentimental moods? Perhaps D.B. should invest in a Moleskeine. A nice, leather-bound book (reputed to be used by Hemingway and Picasso or some such nonsense) with blank pages just waiting for D.B.’s mango sentimentality. Hell, she could even put it in verse if she likes:

Dripping fruit under the stars,
My nether regions were dripping too.
I drank the juice,
From the indention in his upper lip
Soon we were making love with only the moon,
As witness.
But, with a tap on the shoulder,
And a hit with a boulder,
His girlfriend rained on my mango parade.
Now, all I have are the memories of that fateful eve.

7th Grade Poetry Contest: 10, Narcisstic Rating: 10

Look at HedonismChronicles.com now.

Your Turn

It's delightful how many people agree with me about the absurdity of Status culture. Now, you guys are sending your own comments with the status messages. So, to make my job a little easier this week, I thought I'd turn the blog over to you. Enjoy. -Hedonism

RB is so glad her husband's hair is growing back in and turning darker...although he did look good with stark white hair

Editor's note: I really wanted to keep this one for myself, but alas, I will let someone else take it. It's glorious, though:
Do you think the husband knows that his follicle status has been posted for the whole FB world?

J.H. has still not made the decision...why does it have to be this way! :(

Backstory: This girl updates her status with some variation of this message every 45 minutes or so. PUT ON THE BIG GIRL PANTS AND MAKE YOUR FLIPPIN' DECISION THEN, J-GIRL.

Donald Martin is banging out this blog. My editor is hounding me!

Boo fucking hoo it sucks to be Donald Martin!

K.L. is excited for the weekend!

Thanks Captain Obvious!

S. B. would be a lot happier if anyone at the Ritz could tell me where my dry cleaning is...

Very subtle, S.B., not only do I not care about your dry cleaning, but you had to name drop the Ritz so we would REALLY empathize with you....

CE: is Damn, I just had some awesome almost-sex! lol don't ask ;)

CE, have you ever heard of the mash-up? No, it’s not you mashing into whoever was unfortunate to be in your vicinity for the almost sex, it’s where you take two things that are popular, say, Jay Z and the Beatles; or Marta buses and bi-polar women; or status messages and photos from other blogs, and you stick them together. Kinda funny, isn’t it CE?

Relationship Grievances

To keep up with our themes, this week we’re going to examine people who use the status message to air their RELATIONSHIP GRIEVANCES. Is it narcissistic? Sure! Because, as usual, these people assume the online community cares. O the pain, the heartache and the suffering….

T.M. is I mean really you're that big of a drama queen that you want everybody to know you're having a bad day, but even beyond that you leave it open

...ended cause you want sympathy and people to ask what's what's wrong, so you can air your dirty laundry all over the Internet, f-ing lame. Confide in a friend not the world wide web, jesus.

Are you roaring with laughter yet? First thing’s first, that’s a hella long status message. I’ve got to test that out. This means I can put chapters of my book in my status message to force people into daily reading. Brilliant.

Let’s go back to a simpler time. Say, 1950 B.S. (Before Status). June was mad at Dot for bringing ambrosia to the church picnic because June clearly said on the sign-up sheet that she was bringing ambrosia. Dot arrived first, so she got all the ambrosia-prestige. June, being a Taurus, had a tantrum, “I specifically said that I was bringing the ambrosia!” June handles her humiliation by whispering to Miss Davenport at euchre. She whines to the Bradfords during Family Bowling Night. She cries to Mrs. Kingston (“I thought I was doing something nice!”) at the grocery store.

Is this the same thing? You tell me.

Narcissistic Rating: 9 (sorry, T.M., but in blasting someone else’s narcissism, you became narcissistic.)

V.C. to L.B. is I want you to be free, Don't worry about me, And just like the movies, We'll play out our last scene, You won't cry, I won't scream.

What the fuck is this? If there’s one thing I don’t have time for it’s sentimentality. I hope to God V.C. is quoting a John Hughes movie and not trying to be poetic. Or maybe it’s a joke. Yeah! It’s a joke, right? Sort of a Flight of The Conchords meets Love Boat quip. But wait, it’s not a joke? It’s a lyric from Alien Ant Farm? And you meant it? You’re really this broken up over a break-up that you quoted an Alien Ant Farm song in your status message? What have we the people of the interwebs done to deserve such a thing from you, V.C.? Do we not get enough of this schmaltz with the re-recording of Of Montreal’s "Wrath Pinned to The Mist" for Outback Steaks? Or our uncles saying, ‘I feel you’ (you feel what, exactly, Uncle Andrew?) Or our mothers dancing to T.I.’s "Whatever You Like" at Bar Mitvahs?

Narcissistic Rating: Oh, it doesn’t mater, V.C. and the like are responsible for the demise of popular culture. I’m just going to go listen to Led Zeppelin in my Cadillac.

AMM: WOW! So THIS is what it feels like when old batteries get replaced by new ones! Thx alot "Friend" if that’s even ur real name!

Now, I’m not completely a monster. I’ve got to give credit where it’s due and the battery analogy is really quite creative. Completely ruined by adolescent wording and the horrid mis-spelling of ‘a lot’, but rather delightful nonetheless. Let’s dig deeper here. AMM is obviously female. Men don’t notice if they’re jilted by friends; they just carry on with their corn chips. But to see your best friend carousing with another, why, no one has felt that much pain since watching the Titanic win eleven fucking Oscars in ’97. Believe me, I know it hurts. Say, when L.A. put that picture on her home page of she and T.L. hugging quite suggestively, nary a whisper of your dear Hedonism in the photo. Yes, I know this wound well. When L.A. started paling around with M.J., or that time she had coffee with P.C. after yoga, or when I caught her at Hand In Hand with J.V., T.C. and B.K….

But wait, this isn’t about me, is it?

Narcissistic Rating for AMM: 7, Narcissistic Rating for Hedonism Chronicles: 10

TEENAGE Status Messages

This week, we will be visiting the land of TEENAGE STATUS MESSAGES. Through very illegal means–that could get me and a certain Brett Cooper sent to jail for Facebook stalking–we have TEENAGE STATUS MESSAGES. In my research of TEENAGE STATUS MESSAGES, I figured they’d be very silly and we’d get a good laugh out of them. In reality, they’re about as asinine as those of the people I know who are in their thirties, just more cryptic. As an aside, it’s interesting how TEENAGERS create their own language to keep out the Man (50s = spaz, 60s=square, 70s = jive turkey 80s = asswipe, etc.). You'll see.

So, Kendall over my head-adtr :D textttt and let's do this.

Katy Cabrera is ♥ 's him!!!.

Now, this is more like it. This is what I expected from a TEENAGE status message. And notice the little heart, impressive bit of Facebook programming. And, fuck, don’t you remember that time of being just overwhelmed by the passion (hormones), respect (insecurity) and delight (obsession) you’d feel in the company of your first love?

Makes the heart just tingle.

Samantha S. the "weed man" just called my house...WTF!

Samantha…what’s with the quotes? Is he a man who sells weed or isn’t he? And darling, this is really your own fault. Don’t blame the “weed man”. Let’s retrace your steps here. Your parents have an actual LAN line. Okay, kinda weird in this day and age, but I’m not a parent, so maybe that’s rather typical. Does the “weed man” just happens to have that LAN line number? Like, he’s some cat on Heroes with the superpower of knowing all the numbers of his clients’ parents? No, dear. That’s not the case. You gave him that number. Why? You were probably really nervous, this being your first time buying illicit drugs and all, and since you’ve had that number since your birth in 1994 (not criticizing, just stating a fact), it was the first number you came up with.
WTF? Samantha, you’ve got to be more careful next time! If you move on to say, heroin or crystal meth, you’re going to bring down the whole Indiana crime ring. Sheesh.

Miguel J. is fuck mi vida.

Whoa. Miguel, you’re like, fourteen. Come on buddy, you have your whole life to talk like that. Just ‘cause your grandmother speaks that way to her dildo, doesn’t mean you have to take a cue from the elderly. I say, get out the Macbeth and starting cleaning up that retched mouth. Here, try this on for size: “Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow.” Good boy. You’ll be fucking the hos in no time.

Mary Ann Stewart Ryan is so sad, her friend Melissa died last night due to a complication related to her gastric bypass surgery :-(.

I had a friend of a friend of a friend who died from this as well. But you wouldn’t know this because I NEVER PUT IT ON MY FUCKING STATUS. Mary Ann Stewart Ryan (what’s with the four names?) I hereby pronounce you Shitty Friend of the Week. Here’s why: gastric bypass surgery is a highly personal decision. You and I both know that you would not have posted the following: Mary Ann Stewart Ryan is so excited, her friend Melissa is having gastric bypass surgery! But, MASR, you’re taking full advantage of Melissa’s death, to MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU. Now everyone is expected to give you condolences and sympathy. Poor MASR. Hell, you might even get some flowers out of the deal.

I sincerely hope Melissa’s ghost comes back fifty pounds skinnier and haunts your narcissistic ass for the rest of your living days.
Narcissistic Rating: 10 Shitty Friend of the Week Rating: 10

Cameron is at the office, heading to Lowes around noon, knocking out a home improvement project, going for a run and then off to play with Mia and Von

Later that day:

Cameron is teaching Von to use the term Latino instead of Mexican...

Now remember, my readers, that I don’t know the people about whom I write. Like you, I only have their status messages to form an opinion of their characters. Now, let’s say you’re talking to Cameron (is he male? I mean, Cameron, it’s a fucking gender-neutral name. Figures), on the phone and he said he was at the office, planning on visiting the hardware store to buy a light bulb, going to screw in said light bulb, then going to hang out with his kids. You wouldn’t think too much about it. You’d probably think Cameron’s a pretty normal guy. But of course, Cameron is a runner (see posts below) and Cameron cannot be content with telling the world that he’s simply screwing in a light bulb. He has to make it into a whole fucking home improvement project. Now things are really grandiose. Today, Cameron has worked ten hours, gone to the hardware store, remodeled the kitchen, and followed M.B. for a run in the sculpture garden. And as if that's not enough, Cameron has also home-schooled his kids in differential calc, numerical weather prediction, the standardization of Chinese in the Qin Dynasty and, of course, that one should use Latino instead of Mexican.

I heart Cameron.

Narcissistic Rating: Oh, you already know…10!

This is dedicated to runners and cyclists.

1. M.F. just signed up for the NYC Marathon!!!!
2. D.B. is shifting gears from diaper-changing, lightsaber-fighting Daddy to serious cyclist to go knock-off a 4 hour training ride in the 30 mph winds.
3. M.B. is about to go for a run in Seattle. Sculpture park here I come.

Are you seeing a trend here? I am. Runners and cyclists are egomaniacs. But I don’t blame them. Exercise is so boring, what else are they going to think about but themselves? Or, perhaps they’re hinting that I should ask them about it, “Oh hero, M.B. How was that run in Sculpture Park?” Yawn, scratch myself, eye roll as M.B. proceeds to tell me how his New Balances perfectly kiss the gravel. I mean, how do I respond to that? ‘Did a bad ass leg lift in pilates. You shoulda seen my down dog in yoga. I fucked that bag up in kickboxing.

O, the bourgeoisie are so mundane.

Alice is: brought way too many skanky clothes back to athens.

Alice, why did you do this? Or, rather, why did you tell us about it? I believe I know. Shhhh. Guess what, dear readers, Alice wants to get laid. She’s thinking, if enough members of SAE see this then they’ll know I’ll be dressed to partaay, possibly in gold pants and tube top. Someone with a first name that’s a last name, like Miller or Taylor, will give me too many hunch punches, and oops, I’ll be drunk. Mill will grab my ass which will lead to me waking up in a room, that smells of beer and socks and I’ll be using an old cum towel to wipe away my tears.

Or, it could just mean that she didn’t pack very efficiently. Narcissism Rating: 2

"KT feels better, and slept in all alone.....much needed!!!!"

K.T., see blog post for K.S. below. Narcissistic Rating: 8

D.A..can legit feel the insides of her stomach touching one another.....WHY IN THE WORLD AM I STARVING ON FAT TUESDAY???!! Off to do something ab it!

You all know I don’t edit these, right? Spelling and syntax errors, they go right on the blog. As L.D., the provider of this post says, ‘This one is so riddled with either straight stupidity or such complexity that I can't help but wonder if I'm missing something’. I have to agree. If D.A. can’t handle the logistics of a simple status message, imagine her behind the wheel of a car. Narcissistic Rating: ?

K S is tired from getting broken up with in midddle of the night... AGAIN!

Oh, poor K.S., she doesn’t know the meaning of overshare. Or correct spelling, for that matter. K.S., no one is going to want to date you with status messages like that. Seriously, guys, isn’t this the same as that girl you take out who spends the whole evening talking about how she can’t find the right person, code for – you fucked up in taking this girl out because no one takes this girl out, that’s why she can’t find the right person. Narcissistic Rating: 10

G. T. is Urf! Sicky tummy again? Really??

Okay, read that aloud in your highest, whiniest, two-year old voice. Go ahead, no one’s looking. Good! Now I made you appear as foolish as M.T. I’m dizzy with power. But you did that as a favor to me while G.T. did it on her own. Self-will and statusing gone horribly awry. Narcissistic Rating: 10.

K.B. has to put a dollar in a jar every time a bad word flies out of my mouth...guess I will need to be more creative on how to express my strong-

willed thoughts.
K.B., don’t do it! Don’t let the Christian right-wing fundamentalists take away your right, nay, duty, to have a fucking filthy mouth (but if you like, you can toss some of that dough to me, I deserve it for putting up with these posts of yours).

M.A. Award-winning author Patricia McKissack (I wrote the introduction to her newest children's book) will be in ATL on Fri & Sat for events.

There are some people who deserve a whole section of this blog to themselves, (W.T. comes to mind) and some friends who could be writing this blog for me. This post comes from L.G. (or L.L. after the divorce is finalized). She has a comment, 'were the parenthesis necessary?' Well, yes, L.G., they were. See, we're starting to learn a lot about people through the Blog O' Narcissism. Mainly, that people use the status message to say the things they're dying to tell you at a cocktail party, but they know they'd come off as giant turds. M.A. was raised to be a humble American, meaning he would never, in mixed company, say something so supercilious or he'd be laughed out of town. I'm laughing now. Once again, M.A. gets the Narcissistic Rating of: 10.

L.B.G. is off to find the flasher again with John and the dogs. This is a fun family outing. He struck again yesterday while we were looking for him!

I'm more in love with these than my source, L.D. L.D. says, 'it might be of note that the two dogs in question are not drug- sniffing pitbulls or FBI-trained Dobermans, but a fierce duo of one wiener puppy and some sort of chihuahua mix.' Which makes one ponder, what the hell are these people going to do if they find the flasher/child molester? "Oh, hey there, Guy (these guys are always white, and you always call white guys, 'Guy'), we were just wondering, um, if you could, yeah, put the one-eyed wonder worm right back, go ahead and zip him right up in there, and if you don't mind, could you not flash/touch little Caitlyn anymore? It's kinda giving her nightmares. Okay, Lates." Narcissistic Rating: 4

L.B.G. is ahh! There's a child predator in near our neighborhood...we're so on stake out tonight. (before the bachelor of course).

Now, I have to admit I kinda like this one. I appreciate anyone who puts The Bachelor ahead of their kids’ safety. I can only imagine how these people look on a stakeout, black turtlenecks from Kohl’s and a plethora of Almond Joys in case the stalking takes them through the dinner hour. Narcissistic Rating: 3, Entertainment Rating: 9

F.E. can't get enough of her own family photos!!! My parents are just SO cute!

Your parents are cute? You think Momma and Daddy were cute when they were doing the nasty to conceive you? Was momma cute when your head was popping out of her vag? Wait, my mistake, they are cute, present tense. Meaning they’re cute wearing their black turtlenecks from Kohl’s and eating Almond Joys on a stakeout for a child predator. Yes, F.E., I think I agree. Your parents are cute! Narcisstic Rating: 10

A.P. wonders how many of her friends she can infect with the knitting bug... :D.

Ah, L.P., you overestimate your leadership potential. Ten years from now, when you’re sitting in a nest of woolen scarf, attempting to dial your phone through woolen mittens, and wearing one of those orange and brown woolen vests, you’ll see why none of your friends were infected by the knitting bug. :D Narcisstic Rating: 8

T.B.S. really hopes all her friends & EVERY Realtor comes to RW's at 6pm to support the American Cancer Society & Relay for Life. If you don't, I'll

be disgusted w/ u!!

First, I’ve got to say that I detest the use of initials for words. Prince, Kelly Clarkson, and T.B.S. – you all suck. Second, let’s look at the logistics here. If EVERY Realtor (why are these letters capitalized?) comes to R.W.’s…well, let’s just say I’m betting R.W. doesn’t have enough tapenade to handle the Million Dollar Club. But watch out, Realtors, if you don’t attend, you will fall out of A.V.S.’s good graces and that would indeed be a shame. Narcissistic Rating: 9

MC: hates that she feels like she has to update her status all of the time; it's annoying!

Well M.C., no one is forcing you. If you stop I promise no one will die. Narcissism Rating: 8, yep, 8.

M.K. couldn't make her heater turn on, and then she realized it wasn't plugged in!!! :P I think it's going to be one of those days. Oh well,

That one ended with 'off to church'. Because God reads Facebook. And now that you've written that, you've got to go to Sunday service or you'll find yourself in that circle of hell reserved for Facebook liars, of which you are definitely one. Now, let's talk about the heater – M.K.'s little attempt at self-deprecation. Can't you just see the giggle and hiccup, indicated by the emoticon used only by M.K. and thirteen year-old girls. Narcissism Rating: 4 (wait, God says 5) Narcissism Rating: 5

M.A. is finished with his run through the vineyard, is sitting at the Bouchon Bakery drinking a latte, eating a croissant, and reading the Times.

Hey buddy, roll up that New York Times and start hitting yourself in the head with it because there's a WASP that needs killin'. Narcissistic Rating: 10; Pretentious Rating: 10; Whale-shorts-tassle-loafer-gold-button-blue-blazer-wearing-mother-fucker Rating: 10

C.E. is headed out for a 20 miler. FB 2/21/09

This was provided to me by the great A. Johnston and I am forever grateful. It's status artistry in eight words. Let's break it down. C.E. 'is headed out'. Not left yet. Still time to stop C.E., which might go something like this: 'C.E., don't do it, don't head out for that 20 miler. You risk heart attack, shin splints, foolishness in shorts that are cut so high everyone can see your skinny white ass.' C.E. responds, 'I must go. Twenty miles. Chased by nothing, but the heart, the wind, and an infinite need to tell you how athletic I am in my Facebook status." Narcissism rating: 9

L.W. Is getting ready for mommy baby pilates and then Phipps Plaza. (FB 2/19/09)

This is really of interest to no one but DFACS. So, you're dragging your infant out to be manipulated into a corkscrew, then you're assaulting her with a high-end shopping mall. Don't be surprised when she's pigeon-toed and has a severe distaste for The Gap at thirteen. Narcissism rating: 7

L.G. is working. FB 2/21/08

This is Lara's pet peeve, and I agree with her. Why, out of all the possible words, thoughts, and emotions, you waste my time and yours by just saying you're working? Seriously, you have eight out of twenty-four hours where you are probably working. And it's what we do a lot of in this country. This isn't such an amazing state that it needs to be statusized. Socrates, bored out of his mind in prison, did better than this. Narcissism rating: 2 Special Boring Rating: 10

M.A.S. knows her Calculus. It says U+Me=US..... So smart.. FB 2/20/09

Okay, MM, that's arithmetic, not calculus. I doubt you even know what calculus is, but you want to use the term to appear intelligent. Narcissism rating: 6

S. E. is proud of Si for going pee pee in his potty! (FB 2/29/09)

People with kids are so self-absorbed. First, S.E., stop using baby talk, your kid can't read this, and if he could, he'd be terribly embarrassed that you're discussing his bathroom habits with PEOPLE WHO DON'T CARE. Narcissism rating: 6

I.R. is vroom vroom the pa'rty sta'rta (FB 02.19.09)

I.R., you're white, aren't you? Narcissism rating: 3

S.B. is thanks 2 all the dear friends who came out 2 celebrate my B-Day with me! Holly, Payton, Anna D., Mallory, Anna V., Amy B., Christine P., Abbi,

Here's what I bet happened....Her boyfriend broke up with her, she wants to use her status to prove she's not sitting home crying into a candle (something I've done myself). Narcissism rating: 10

C. is emotionally raw, and bad at controlling it. (G-chat 02/19/09)

Send in the professional mourners. This chick needs attention and she needs it NOW. Emotionally raw? Tell it to your therapist. Narcissism rating: 8

25 Things of Remarkable Narcissism

Don't get me wrong. I'm as narcissistic as anyone. If given half a chance, I'd stare at my beautiful mug in the water for hours, too. One could argue that my affiliations with Twitter, Facebook and Blogspot are the very essence of narcissism. But I do draw the line. I have no 25 Bullshit Things About Me. I mean, do you really care? Unless you're a student stalking me, and so few do nowadays, you don't give a shit about 25 of my thoughts. 

I used to use my blog page to write tediously long rants about my bosses on the Air Force Reserve account.  I have little to complain about nowadays, so I'm going to dedicate it, at least for awhile, to your idiotic status messages. 

I'm not saying that I don't have idiotic status messages. I do. But mostly they're titles Lara and I are  trying out for out for our new animation - Swamp Pussy. But don't worry, if I post a particularly sappy status message, it's going on the blog. 

So, enjoy what our friends think the world should know about them.